Via Tapestry by Michael Monroe on 6/4/11
Not Your Everday Conversation: Talking with Your Children About the Difficult Realities of Adoption and Foster Care was presented by Michael and Amy Monroe at the 2009 Tapestry Adoption & Foster Care Conference. This presentation focuses on some of the difficult realities that mark the adoption and foster care journey, and helps to equip parents to navigate these emotional and complex issues. Click here to download the slides for this presentation.
June 28, 2011
Not Your Everyday Conversation
Can you tell I've found a new favorite blog? I was helped immeasurably by listening to this talk tonight!
Chatting with Kids About Adoption
Via Tapestry by Michael Monroe on 6/24/11
I don’t talk with my kids about adoption. It’s not that I don’t think it is a good idea – it certainly is. It’s just that, even though all four of my children were adopted, they have no interest in “talking” about it. At this age they seem to much prefer chatting about it . . . . . casually, when and if they feel like it and on their terms. So that’s what we do, and I love every chance I get.
Another misconception is that “adoption talk” is always a serious matter. While some questions about adoption require an air of seriousness, many more do not. It is important not to be too serious about adoption, even while taking the matter very seriously. For us, some of the funniest (and sweetest) things our kids have ever said have been adoption-related as their creative and sponge-like minds process the world around them and force it through the adoption-tinted filter which for them is perfectly normal and commonplace. One instance in particular stands out. Grant (age 4 at the time) and I were walking on the trail behind our home and were noticing our neighbor’s backyard. Grant asked why there were no toys or swings or the like in their yard, to which I replied, “well maybe they don’t have any kids.” Without missing a beat Grant replied “looks to me like they are going to need adoption.” And with that he had started an adoption chat. As usual with Grant, it only lasted 30 to 45 seconds before he lost interest and changed the subject. That exchange was a fairly typical adoption chat for Grant and me – and I love every one that we have.
Yet another misconception is that you “tell” your kids about adoption – as in a one time event when you sit them down at the kitchen table and break it to them in dramatic fashion. In past generations a single moment of “telling” may have been the norm, but now this is often simply not an option whether due to the race, age or any number of other characteristics of the child or circumstances surrounding their adoption. For many children (though certainly not all), the “cat’s already out of the bag” so there’s no need to schedule a time and plan to “tell” your kids about adoption. For the most part you may not even need to go out of your way to force the conversation. Instead, just let them bring it up or look for natural and comfortable ways to work it into everyday conversation. For my oldest two boys I’ve made it an occasional part of our bedtime routine for years now. We will get out their “special books” (which are scrapbooks or lifebooks of their early years filled with pictures and brief captions) and just chat away about whatever comes to their minds as we tell and re-tell the story of how we became a family. I have found that over time these conversations build on themselves as children develop an ever-evolving understanding of themselves and their family, and how the two came together in a very “special” way.
In the end, chatting with your kids should be something dads (and moms) look forward to . . . something we treasure. Yes, it can certainly be a bit intimidating and maybe even scary at times, but it’s important to make sure that you are the only one that feels that way. It is critically important that your children feel the freedom to talk with you about any and every aspect of their adoption. Only you can give them that gift. The opportunity to talk with your kids on so many levels about something so meaningful, so incredibly personal is truly a blessing and honor. So make it your job to chat with your kids about adoption . . . and start thinking now how you will react and respond to the wide range of thoughts and questions they are likely to throw your way. You will all be the better and richer for it.
Copyright 2008 Tapestry, a ministry of Irving Bible Church (www.tapestryministry.org).
Misconceptions About “Adoption Chats”
I think there are several misconceptions when it comes to talking or chatting with your kids about adoption. One is that it’s the mother’s job – that somehow and for some reason “adoption talk” will more likely (and more appropriately) come up between moms and kids rather than with dads. That certainly has not been my experience – nor the experience of many of the adoptive dads I know. For a variety of reasons, every time our oldest boys (ages 7 and 6) engage in any “adoption talk” it is most often with me. It will certainly be interesting to see if this trend continues and how it changes with our twins (age 3), one of which is a girl.Another misconception is that “adoption talk” is always a serious matter. While some questions about adoption require an air of seriousness, many more do not. It is important not to be too serious about adoption, even while taking the matter very seriously. For us, some of the funniest (and sweetest) things our kids have ever said have been adoption-related as their creative and sponge-like minds process the world around them and force it through the adoption-tinted filter which for them is perfectly normal and commonplace. One instance in particular stands out. Grant (age 4 at the time) and I were walking on the trail behind our home and were noticing our neighbor’s backyard. Grant asked why there were no toys or swings or the like in their yard, to which I replied, “well maybe they don’t have any kids.” Without missing a beat Grant replied “looks to me like they are going to need adoption.” And with that he had started an adoption chat. As usual with Grant, it only lasted 30 to 45 seconds before he lost interest and changed the subject. That exchange was a fairly typical adoption chat for Grant and me – and I love every one that we have.
Yet another misconception is that you “tell” your kids about adoption – as in a one time event when you sit them down at the kitchen table and break it to them in dramatic fashion. In past generations a single moment of “telling” may have been the norm, but now this is often simply not an option whether due to the race, age or any number of other characteristics of the child or circumstances surrounding their adoption. For many children (though certainly not all), the “cat’s already out of the bag” so there’s no need to schedule a time and plan to “tell” your kids about adoption. For the most part you may not even need to go out of your way to force the conversation. Instead, just let them bring it up or look for natural and comfortable ways to work it into everyday conversation. For my oldest two boys I’ve made it an occasional part of our bedtime routine for years now. We will get out their “special books” (which are scrapbooks or lifebooks of their early years filled with pictures and brief captions) and just chat away about whatever comes to their minds as we tell and re-tell the story of how we became a family. I have found that over time these conversations build on themselves as children develop an ever-evolving understanding of themselves and their family, and how the two came together in a very “special” way.
A Truly Forever Family
Chatting with your kids about adoption presents one other very unique opportunity as well – one that has eternal significance. As our children get older, our adoption chats increasingly provide me with the chance to relate God’s love for them and his desire to welcome them into his family to their own personal experience and understanding of adoption. As my kids have begun to ask more and more questions about God and Jesus (the other night Grant exclaimed “Daddy can we talk about God tonight? I have 80,000 questions!”), I’ve been able to chat with them about how God chooses to love us (even though we can’t and don’t deserve it) and how he wants to adopt us into his “forever family.” These are all concepts that they understand, and I am excited to gaze with them through this beautiful (but often overlooked) lens as we seek to better understand and experience what it means to become a child of God by adoption through faith in Jesus Christ.In the end, chatting with your kids should be something dads (and moms) look forward to . . . something we treasure. Yes, it can certainly be a bit intimidating and maybe even scary at times, but it’s important to make sure that you are the only one that feels that way. It is critically important that your children feel the freedom to talk with you about any and every aspect of their adoption. Only you can give them that gift. The opportunity to talk with your kids on so many levels about something so meaningful, so incredibly personal is truly a blessing and honor. So make it your job to chat with your kids about adoption . . . and start thinking now how you will react and respond to the wide range of thoughts and questions they are likely to throw your way. You will all be the better and richer for it.
Ideas and Resources to Help You and Your Child with Adoption Chats
Here are a few ideas to get you started chatting and helpy you along the way:- Start early, chat often – There is no such thing as starting too early chatting with your kids in age-appropriate ways. In addition, your child’s understanding of adoption and their own story will constantly be evolving – so don’t stop being available and open to chat as the years go by. Chatting once or twice is not enough, so be sure to ask questions or raise the subject in a comfortable, natural way as often as possible.
- Be honest and accurate – Talk about what you know (at the right time and in an age-appropriate way) and keep in mind that “I don’t know” is a perfectly fine answer. Share your child’s curiosity about the facts that are unknown, but be sure not to turn your child’s story into a fairy tale. Adopted children were born just like all other children, and it is important to remember that their story (and therefore part of who they are) begins they were adopted.
- Listen and acknowledge your child’s feelings – Listen and attempt to understand the feelings behind what your child is saying. Remember that feelings of loss, curiosity and even sadness and confusion are natural. Keep in mind that statements about birthparents are not a reflection on you, but most often simply an attempt to make sense of every aspect of who your child is.
- Use positive and respectful adoption language – How you talk about adoption with your child communicates loudly to them. Be sure that you convey that chatting about adoption is acceptable and even desired, and be sure to use positive and respectful adoption language. It matters. Check out this article by Patricia Irwin Johnston for some great advice on using respectful adoption language.
- Don’t tear down or overly romanticize birthparents – It’s important to remember that part of your child’s identity (and therefore self-esteem) is undeniably linked to their birthparents – no matter the facts and circumstances that led to their adoption. Therefore, it is very important to refer to your child’s birthparents by name (if known) and speak respectfully, yet honestly, about them.
- Adoptive Families Magazine Special Section: Talking About Adoption –http://www.adoptivefamilies.
com/talking
- Talking With Young Children About Adoption by Mary Watkins and Susan Fisher — www.amazon.com/Talking-Young-
Children-about-Adoption/dp/ 0300063172
Copyright 2008 Tapestry, a ministry of Irving Bible Church (www.tapestryministry.org).
June 27, 2011
Books with Diversity
Because our kids were adopted from Ethiopia, our bookshelves look a little different than they might have otherwise. Part of that is because pictures of these two cuties are framed on them...a welcome improvement to the decor of our home!
But you'll also notice that the books our children read were thoughtfully authored by men and women who remember that not all little ones have blonde hair and blue eyes. Some kids are Asian. Some are African-American. Some have disabilities. And it's helpful for that to be reflected in picture books.
Here are some treasures we've been thrilled to come across. You can click on the images to go to their description on Amazon. The first author, Debby Anderson, has LOTS of great books so I'm limiting myself to sharing just two! Several of these authors are worth checking out for their other titles too.
But you'll also notice that the books our children read were thoughtfully authored by men and women who remember that not all little ones have blonde hair and blue eyes. Some kids are Asian. Some are African-American. Some have disabilities. And it's helpful for that to be reflected in picture books.
Here are some treasures we've been thrilled to come across. You can click on the images to go to their description on Amazon. The first author, Debby Anderson, has LOTS of great books so I'm limiting myself to sharing just two! Several of these authors are worth checking out for their other titles too.
June 23, 2011
June 19, 2011
Happy Father's Day
It would be hard to overemphasize the importance of a good dad.
I've often felt overwhelmed at God's goodness in giving me such an incredible husband. I don't deserve him, that's all there is to it. He loves the Lord and His word, he's a family man, a godly leader, a hard worker, a man of integrity, wise, kind, patient, and really good looking. God has lavished blessings on me!
And I often tell my kids how fortunate they are to have the dad that they do. They don't realize it yet, but God has been very good to them. VERY good. Just think...
Our son had been abandoned as a newborn. We know almost nothing about his biological parents. And yet God rescued him out of that terrible, parent-less situation and placed him in a family with a dad he can look up to with admiration and love. A dad who loves him dearly, who is involved in his life intimately, and whose strong example will lead him in godliness and integrity. What a dramatic change! What grace!
Our daughter had a birth father who made poor decisions and was never involved in her life. God has replaced him with a father full of wisdom and kindness, selflessness and devotion. She now has a dad that will always protect and provide for her. He knows her. He loves her. He tickles her and cuddles with her to her heart's delight. She has a healthy view of men because she has a strong, loving dad that she trusts and looks up to. What a dramatic change! What grace!
I've often felt overwhelmed at God's goodness in giving me such an incredible husband. I don't deserve him, that's all there is to it. He loves the Lord and His word, he's a family man, a godly leader, a hard worker, a man of integrity, wise, kind, patient, and really good looking. God has lavished blessings on me!
And I often tell my kids how fortunate they are to have the dad that they do. They don't realize it yet, but God has been very good to them. VERY good. Just think...
Our son had been abandoned as a newborn. We know almost nothing about his biological parents. And yet God rescued him out of that terrible, parent-less situation and placed him in a family with a dad he can look up to with admiration and love. A dad who loves him dearly, who is involved in his life intimately, and whose strong example will lead him in godliness and integrity. What a dramatic change! What grace!
Our daughter had a birth father who made poor decisions and was never involved in her life. God has replaced him with a father full of wisdom and kindness, selflessness and devotion. She now has a dad that will always protect and provide for her. He knows her. He loves her. He tickles her and cuddles with her to her heart's delight. She has a healthy view of men because she has a strong, loving dad that she trusts and looks up to. What a dramatic change! What grace!
So Happy Father's Day, my love. You can be sure God has made your family happy by giving us the very good gift of YOU!
June 12, 2011
June 11, 2011
You're So Brown!
A post originally from Noel Piper's blog, which I'm perusing tonight...
Today’s guest post is by Kristen Howerton, wife, mother of 4 (2 adopted), blogger, and psych professor at Vanguard University.
__________
“Mommy, look at the brown boy!”
As a transracial family in a mostly vanilla town, we hear these kind of comments every now and then, especially from other preschool-aged kids. This week, we heard on two different occasions.
No biggie: it is perfectly normal for a child of that age to notice color. I mean, they are just learning colors and pointing it out is just an observation. I am NEVER offended by children making such comments. In fact, it can open up great learning opportunities for kids to understand adoption, difference, etc.
However, one of the circumstances this week was a bit awkward. A little girl pointed to my African-American son Jafta, and this was how the dialogue went:
CURIOUS GIRL: Mommy, do you see him!?! He’s brown!
MORTIFIED MOM: (clearly embarrassed) Honey, be quiet.
CURIOUS GIRL: Mommy, do you see? Do you see that boy?
MORTIFIED MOM: Sweetie, be quiet. Be quiet right now.
CURIOUS GIRL: But mommy, look! He’s brown.
MORTIFIED MOM: (now angrily) If you don’t stop saying that right now, I will give you a spanking.
I totally get where this mom is coming from. I can imagine doing this myself, in another setting. But think for a minute what this interchange communicated to this little girl about color difference. What message did this well-meaning mom unintentionally send to her daughter, and to my son, who was watching the whole thing?
Avoiding the topic of race can be one of the biggest mistakes parents make in raising healthy, race-conscious children. Shaming, ignoring, or avoiding a child’s observations on race can send a strong message: racial difference (and/or brown skin) is so bad and so embarrasing that we can’t even talk about it. (Kinda reminds ya of how some families deal with sex, huh?)
So how should someone react? I don’t know the perfect answer, but encouraging a conversation (instead of stifling it) is a good start. As parents we have to manage our own racial baggage to help our kids avoid their own.
So let me tell you about the other interchange that happened this week.
A little girl pointed to Jafta and said, “You’re so brown.” And my husband said, “Did you hear that, Jafta? Say thank you.”
And he did. With a big grin on his face.
June 7, 2011
Brown Babies Need Sunscreen Too
Check out this article -- Summer Skincare for Black Children. Yup, they need sunscreen too.
June 6, 2011
No Such Thing as Adoption Without Suffering
We're in a great stage of parenthood. Our kids are growing and learning, and they're just delightful. We love them and they love us. God has been good.
In this stage of life, it can be tempting to forget now and then that the reason children are placed for adoption is because there has already been some kind of suffering in their birth parents' lives and in their little lives. And though you don't necessarily realize it at first, adoptive parents are not exempt from suffering either. In fact, in a beautiful way, by becoming adoptive parents we are committing to walk through the suffering with our little ones.
In a great article called No Such Thing as Adoption Without Suffering, Dan Cruver talks about the picture this is of our adoption into the family of God.
In this stage of life, it can be tempting to forget now and then that the reason children are placed for adoption is because there has already been some kind of suffering in their birth parents' lives and in their little lives. And though you don't necessarily realize it at first, adoptive parents are not exempt from suffering either. In fact, in a beautiful way, by becoming adoptive parents we are committing to walk through the suffering with our little ones.
In a great article called No Such Thing as Adoption Without Suffering, Dan Cruver talks about the picture this is of our adoption into the family of God.
The same thing is true of our adoption by God. The adoption to which we were predestined (Eph. 1:5) could not have happened without Jesus redeeming us “through his blood” (Eph. 1:7). There is no such thing as being adopted into God’s family apart from the suffering of Jesus. Jesus cried “Abba! Father!” in the Garden of Gethsemane (Mark 14:36) so that we could become sons of God who cry “Abba! Father!” by the Spirit (Rom. 8:15). Our adoption necessarily involved suffering—infinite suffering.So if you're waiting for a referral and the journey up to this point has been long and emotionally trying, persevere! Christ suffered on our behalf that He might make us sons and daughters. And He will equip you to do the same as you bring children into your family as well.
Yes, we still suffer, but we do not suffer as those without hope (1 Thess. 4:13-14). Because of Jesus and the gift of the Spirit of adoption, God turns our suffering into a window that allows the eyes of faith to get glimpses of what will one day be.
Though there is no such thing as adoption without suffering, for the Christian there is also no such thing as adoption without glory and unspeakable joy. Right now we live in “the sufferings of this present time” (Rom. 8:18), but there is coming a day when all who have been adopted by God through the suffering of Jesus will “be glorified with him” (Rom. 8:17). We will one day share in the glory of the resurrected Jesus. This means that the day is coming when everything sad will come untrue. This is the good news of the gospel. This is the hope that moves us forward in “the sufferings of this present time.”
So, whatever kind of suffering you are being confronted with in the adoption of a child (whether you are the birthmother, child, or adoptive parent), don’t lose sight of the gospel. Only the gospel can fill you with fresh hope, endurance, and, yes, even joy in the midst of your heartache now. Your adoption by God has profound relevance for the adoption of a child (and all the suffering involved in it).
June 5, 2011
June 2, 2011
A Note From Dad
Daddy sent an email today, but it wasn't for me...
Dear son,
As I left our house this morning I noticed that the grass is getting high and in need of a new trim. Of course, for you and I this means doing our favorite activity together: lawn mowing!
I'm really looking forward to spending some time with you when I get home.
Much love,
Dad (aka The Lawnmower)
June 1, 2011
The Footwashers of Ethiopia
A recent Christianity Today article introduced me to a disease called podoconiosis, or podo for short. The article says that those who suffer with it have deformed, "nightmare feet, seeming to bubble and melt, producing unbearable odors" and making it painful to walk. For years there was no medical treatment for podo, leaving sufferers isolated from others and unable to contribute to community life.
So how does someone contract podo? The article says "By and large, those who cannot afford shoes are most susceptible. Podo is almost unknown in urban areas and rarely if ever infects soldiers or tourists. Gail Davey, the leading researcher on podo, puts it succinctly: 'It is clearly a disease of the most voiceless.'" Awful!!
My heart breaks to hear that Ethiopia is one of the most affected areas, with about 1 million people suffering from podo. I'm stunned to find out that prevention is as simple as wearing shoes. And equally surprised that treatment is as simple as washing patients' feet. But those two things are hard to come by in a poverty stricken place like Ethiopia.
Want to learn more about the problem and how you can help? Check out the article!
So how does someone contract podo? The article says "By and large, those who cannot afford shoes are most susceptible. Podo is almost unknown in urban areas and rarely if ever infects soldiers or tourists. Gail Davey, the leading researcher on podo, puts it succinctly: 'It is clearly a disease of the most voiceless.'" Awful!!
My heart breaks to hear that Ethiopia is one of the most affected areas, with about 1 million people suffering from podo. I'm stunned to find out that prevention is as simple as wearing shoes. And equally surprised that treatment is as simple as washing patients' feet. But those two things are hard to come by in a poverty stricken place like Ethiopia.
Want to learn more about the problem and how you can help? Check out the article!
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